Merlin, episode 2: Snakes on a Motherf***ing Shield!
Arthur: It is nearly time for the tournament. Merlin! Am I ready for my public?
Merlin: If I brush your hair any more my hand is going to drop off…
Arthur: Nonsense. There are still knots, I can feel them.
Merlin: Just because King Uther made me your servant (you may remember this from episode one), it don’t mean you’re the boss of me!
Merlin: If we weren’t intrinsically linked by destiny, I’d quit!
Arthur: But Merlin, remember, you’re the only one who has the brilliance and cleverness to make me more than the endearingly smug idiot I am now.
Merlin: Really? You mean it?
Arthur: Of course. Now less talking, more polishing my armour.
Merlin: Yes sir!
[You know what tournaments mean? That’s right! Knights, knights, knights! And it‘s only polite for them pay homage to King Uther.]
Uther: What’s this one called?
Bureaucrat of some kind: Um, Valiant, sire.
[Scene disintegrates into laughter.]
Uther: All right, all right. We’ve all had a bloody good laugh. Who’s next?
Valiant: Me still. I’m significant.
Uther: Oh go on then. Who are you? The chivalrous knight who is at odds with my son over the love of Morgana, my ward, but who is, deep down, a decent sort of bloke.
Valiant: Actually, sire, I’m a little bit evil.
Uther: I like it! So am I. It’s so nice to meet someone likeminded, maybe we could…
[In walks Morgana.]
Morgana: What’s the man from Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps doing here?
Uther: It’s called a guest appearance, love.
Valiant: Ooh, pretty lay-dee. *Kisses Morgana’s hand.*
Morgana: Ugh. But okay.
Referee: All right lads, let’s have a fair fight. No witchcraft or magic or anything like that. We are chivalrous knights, remember. First one left bleeding on the ground, screaming for mercy is the loser.
[Ding ding! Round one!]
Valiant: *Fight fight parry parry stab.*
Ewan: *Fight parry stab parry kerfuffle.*
Valiant: *Knocks Ewan to the ground.* Now I’ve got you!
Ewan: Not if I… Wait, what is that? Coming from your shield? It can’t be! But it is! OH DEAR LORD MAGICAL SNAKES.
Valiant: THAT’S RIGHT MAGICAL SNAKES.
Audience: What’s going on?
Gaius: Merlin, I want you to see something…
Gaius: Ewan was injured in the tournament but look - there are snake bites on his neck…
Merlin: That’s a bit odd.
Gaius: I’m glad I asked for your profound insight, Mr. Wisdom.
Merlin: *Thinks.* I know! Maybe a snake burrowed under the tournament, burst from the ground and, startled by the fighting, bit Ewan in a moment of fear!
Merlin: I’m joking, it was totally Valiant.
Gaius: You’re an idiot.
Merlin: Hello Dragon. I have come to the impossibly large cave underneath Camelot in order to seek your advice. I think I will be doing a lot of this over the coming series.
Dragon: Ah, the cabbage that blooms in August knows its own frailty.
Dragon: My first is in bicycle but not in balloon!
Dragon: If a mouse has a red cheese in the winter months…
Merlin: Why do you always have to talk in riddles?!
Dragon: Partly because you hate it, but mostly because I am wise and powerful.
Merlin: You can’t be all that if someone the size of one of your toenails managed to imprison you in a cave.
Dragon: Hmph. What you don’t know is that I have been working on Uther for years, and soon I will have him under my control. And besides, they’re not toenails, they’re claws.
Merlin: Is that true?
Dragon: Yes it’s true. Like my cousin, Aslan, my true power is in my incredibly sexy voice. It will seep into your mind, into your very dreams, until the wrong-thoughts eventually drive you insane!
Merlin: Yeah, right.
[Uther awakes, sweating, and sits bolt upright in bed.]
Uther: OH DEAR LORD, NOT AGAIN. … Morgana! Uncle Uther needs clean sheets!
Merlin: Arthur! Arthur! Valiant is evil and he’s gonna kill you with his magic snake!
Arthur: This is sexy talk? I cannot be sure.
Merlin: …I hate you.
Arthur: Well, if you’re sure that Valiant really is evil, I suppose we’d better do something about it. I just have to be sure. Face me and say that you’re telling the truth, and I promise that I’ll believe you.
Merlin: Arthur, I am telling the truth.
Merlin: What was that?
Arthur: That, my friend, was the sound of a thousand Harry/Draco ‘shippers bowing to their new gods.
Arthur: What we should really do is tell my father about Valiant.
[Ten minutes later.]
Uther: GTFO son.
Arthur: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, MERLIN.
Merlin: Don’t worry! I already have another plan. Now help me and Guinevere move this large polystyrene dog painted to resemble stonework!
Morgana: So, it turned out that the guest of the week was evil. Again.
Arthur: Yeah, but I was pretty valiant against those snakes, wasn’t I?
Morgana: That sentence was seven different layers of rubbish talk.
Arthur: But I would have been epic against them. If I’d had the chance.
Morgana: How do you figure that?
Arthur: I can’t help it if I am magnificent. That’s just the way I am.
Morgana: I can’t help it if my fist finds itself on an unstoppable trajectory towards your face.
Merlin & Gwen: *Are cute.*
Next week: The Bionic Woman takes up witchcraft… with some surprising results!